I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
