yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
