New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
