I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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