my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
