I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Everything about him screamed your future.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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