Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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