I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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