What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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