We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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