That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
