Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
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And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
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I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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