i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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