Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
only you would photoshop your dick
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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