life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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