96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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