my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
