everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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