good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
