thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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