Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
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Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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