Don't make out with my wife yet
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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