never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
