After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
