mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
