anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
