paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
