Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
