There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
