I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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