yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
