Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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