I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
