I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
