I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
