i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
