He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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