I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
