I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The uberlube is also flammable
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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