I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Randomize
