Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
