someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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