i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
50% drunk capacity currently
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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