You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
