If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
