i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I supernannyed him into submission
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
