So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
