I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
