Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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