I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
