Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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