Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
