sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
